Days of Silent Desperation

I am experiencing one of those seasons of life when it seems I am up against an insurmountable wall. As I try to climb over it I keep losing my footing, and disappointment arrives just as I am expecting victory. In these days as I cry out to God, "Lord, I need you to come through for me," and disappointment arrives I relate to the words of Job "Behold, I go forward but he is not there, and backward, but I cannot behold him; when he acts on the left, I cannot perceive him; he turns on the right, I cannot see him. But he knows the way I take." (Job 23:8-10)

I have felt so tempted to express disappointment and anger while accusing God of withholding good from me. I realized this week that I was at a crossroads. I had a choice to act in direct inconsistency with every thing I claim to believe, allowing my frustrating circumstances to define me, and dictate my emotions, or I could walk in all I hold to be true. God loves me. Difficult times come and shape our character, but they do not destroy children of the King. I am a child of God, not by virtue or effort, but because of God's love, demonstrated by Christ and His death on the cross.

Some thoughts came to mind. First, when I stop and look I can recognize God providing for us during a difficult time. We have not been forgotten. Second, we have great examples of faith in the face of adversity. Some dear friends have become models of faith for our family. Recently they sent this e-mail describing their battle with cancer:

"The cancer has spread to her liver, and spleen in the form of numerous lesions and some more involvement with bones. MRI’s are scheduled a couple of weeks from now to assess the bone situation. This cancer (Thymoma) is slow growing and is not particularly responsive to chemo. At this time she is not planning any sort of treatment regimen. Although I am always caught off guard by news of the onset of these episodes, it is not for lack of God sending ample information to bolster us up. On the Thursday night just prior to getting this news, [WE] read something together entitled “Expectancy” in “Our Daily Bread”. It was written months ago to be read on October 1st. There is no doubt that it was to help prepare us for the news coming on the afternoon of October 2nd.

“With a handful of Cheerios, I tiptoed across the deck in my backyard trying to sneak up on the fish in the pond. Perhaps it was my shadow on the water … or maybe I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought. As I approached the railing, 15 enormous goldfish raced toward me, their large mouths frantically opening and closing in eager anticipation of an expected treat. So, why did the fish so furiously flap their fins? Because my mere presence set off a conditioned response in their tiny fish brains that told them I had something special to give them. If only we always had such a response to God and His desire to give us good gifts – a response based on our past experience with Him that flows from a deep-seated knowledge of His character. When we as God’s children are living in faith, we can have an exciting expectancy and a quiet confidence that God will give us exactly what we need, when we need it.” By Cindy Hess Kasper

Indeed, [OUR] experience of having received great and wonderful gifts from God have conditioned us to expect that He will use every one of our life experiences for His Glory and our good. We are expecting yet another miracle."

This is not the first e-mail we have received from them. Some have been soul crushing, some filled with the amazing, and all have been filled with trust while facing the impossible. How small my problems seem in comparison. How embarrassing to struggle with trust when situations are compared. I thank God for the example of my friends, and the hope they bring to my faith.

Caedmon’s Call sings a song that expresses what I am attempting to express. It is called "Always Been there"

We’ve all got our burdens
Our secrets and our shames,
We’ve all been discouraged
and watched love fall in flames,
and when we hit the bottom
of all that we can bear
When we need you...
You’re rising like the morning sun
A pillar in the night
You looked into the void
and called it light
You are faithfully providing
for the trouble that we share
When we need you you’ve always been there.

DRAWING NEAR

Philippians 4:4-9

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=philippians%204:4-9;&version=49

Paul is encouraging the Philippian Christians to act as ones who know they are Children of the King. These followers are to rejoice in the Lord at all times, and to let their gentle spirit be known because the Lord is near.

Because the Lord is near they are to lay down their anxiety, and to let the Lord know their concerns about all things. When they do this Paul teaches that Gods peace will guard their hearts and minds. This peace comes through practice (v.9) as the Lord draws near.

I see so much of God "Our Heavenly Father" in this, and it reminds me of a goal Joanna and I have in parenting our children. We desire to cultivate an environment in our home now that will result in good communication with our kids later. This is difficult for me. I'm an introvert. At times I find communicating exhausting. My daughter, Savannah, seems to thrive on the energy she gets from social interaction, and she is only 4 years old!

Just as God knows we face anxiety, fear and concern about many things, I also know Savannah faces these. And as God draws near to me desiring me to talk about my life concerns, I desire to draw near to my daughter so she knows me, and is comfortable talking to me about her concerns.

At her age the communication is more important than what we talk about. This is true of us and God. Paul teaches in verse 6 "...in everything...let your requests be known." God desires us to bring our concerns in conversation before Him. We are free to talk about any of them, what we talk about is less significant than the drawing near.

Because I understand Paul encourages the Philippians to practice this, I also want to help Savannah practice how to have effective and proper conversation. Recently our son, Matthias, was born. As you can imagine things around our home are a bit crazy! I have been wondering about Savannah's heart during this transition, so when I had the opportunity to talk to her alone while riding in the car I took advantage of it:

Me: Do you want to talk?

S: About what Daddy?

Me: I just want to say that I love you, and had a good time with you.

S: Is that what you want to talk about Daddy?

Me: Yes. I hope you will always talk to me and Mommy.

S: About what Daddy?

Me: Everything. How you feel, if you are happy or sad...

S: Daddy. Sometimes when you and Mommy take care of Matthias I feel sad.

Me: What does sad feel like to you?

S: I feel like there is nobody to take care of me.

And there was the fruit...

Now, because I know what Savannah is feeling I can properly minister grace into her situation, bringing peace to her heart, helping her think upon what is good, lovely, and worthy of praise.

Robert Wolgemuth wrote,

"The ability of you and your daughter to effectively exchange words, and the feelings they're usually connected to, will provide the bridge between you that will last the rest of your life."

While I freely admit I desire that nearness to last the rest of my life, I have a far greater desire for that bridge to extend back into the arms of Christ. As I look toward models for fathering I can think of no better example than God the Father. So in my sinful attempt to model His drawing near to us I hope to point my children beyond myself and toward the cross of Christ, which is the greatest example in history of God drawing near to His children, granting peace through the riches of salvation.

James 4:10 "Humble yourself in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you."

Psalm 145:18 "The Lord is near to all who call upon Him."

Hebrews 4:16 "Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."