Senior year in High School I remember the push to define what we wanted to do with our lives. the road I've traveled since then has been much different than I had pictured. I find it helpful at times to inventory and ponder the road that led me where I am. For that purpose I write this post.
The first influences in my life were my parents. Early in life I was taught to believe in God from my mother who is a devout Roman Catholic, as her parents are, and as theirs were as well. It was a passing down of faith, and my mother promised the church to do her part seeing that her children would be raised in the Catholic Church. She kept that promise despite my father and his lack of religion devotion. I choose the word religion because I would never accuse my father of not having faith. During my childhood he was not a regular church attendee. If I understand the situation correctly his issues revolved around a poor example of church discipline in a small Baptist Church which lead him to cast off religious expectation excluding the cultural ones involving Christmas and Easter attendance. My father never fought against our mother’s attempt to raise us in the church. I never remember him denying God's existence, or arguing with my mother about religion. In fact he even paid for our attendance at a private Catholic school (Asheville Catholic) for the first few years of our education.
I can identify a consistent belief in God that can be traced back to my early days in school. I remember having a discussion (as much as one can have) at lunch with my friends in the second grade. We were discussing the theology of angels, although at that time we didn' t know that. Gulping down our chocolate milk we were pondering if it was true that Satan was an angel. I also remember being fascinated by the priest and his role in the mass. My school attended mass weekly and I remember once being sent to the principals office for mimicking the priests actions as he blessed the Eucharist. My reprimand ensured one future career option was closed.
After the birth of my first sister we started attending public school at Haw Creek Elementary. When my father spoke to us about this transition, I wanted him to think I was brave and did not mind the change. However, I was nervous. Anyone who knew me back then would probably describe me as extremely shy. Already at a young age I was dealing with an obstacle called the fear of man. It was during my sixth to tenth grade years when I was taught this was a problem of self-esteem. today I properly understand it to be a problem of pride. It was not so much that I disliked myself, in fact I loved myself! If anything I loved myself too much. Because of this self-love I was overly concerned about the opinions of others around me. I felt as if I was in a mild depression at times, but I guess it could have been hormones. I never experienced thoughts of harming myself, but I had thoughts of escaping. Escaping what? I don't really know, I was a teenager with all the drama that entails.
During the later years of high school I was able to level out these emotions as I found confidence in extra-curricular activities and improved grades. During my senior year of High School I began to question the practices of the Catholic church. I could not find the answers I was looking for and stopped attending Sunday School as I felt it did little to help me in my search. Mom gave me a copy of the Catholic Catechism to help answer my questions. this book gave a detailed explanation of what the church believed without any support or proof for their position. I was confused, and wanted to quit attending mass. My mother requested I continue attending, and I did until my sophomore year of college.
My parents having never gone to college pushed the idea to the point of convincing me that was the only choice after high school. This push toward college, my crisis of faith, and my fear of man combined for a powerful life change during my college years.
For various reasons I had trouble transitioning to college. For the first time of my life I was away from family, friends, and in some respect felt faithless. This period of my life was extremely difficult. I wanted to drop out and return home. On the advice of my parents I stuck the transition out. The next year I met a man who made a profound impact on my life. His name was John Russell. In my first conversation with him he explained the gospel to me. I understood for the first time in my life why Jesus died on the cross, that I could be completely forgiven of my sins, and enter into a loving relationship with God not based upon my religious efforts but on the sacrifice of Jesus alone. At first I was skeptical. Why had no one ever showed me this in the bible before? Later I reviewed all John had told me, a light bulb came on. My questions were beginning to be answered.
John discipled me in my faith, and I grew. He introduced me to other Christians who were involved in a campus group called Campus Crusade for Christ. I became more involved and joined the leadership of this group. I was trained in telling others the gospel of Jesus Christ, and in how to lead a small group bible study. I felt that with the help of leaders in my life like John the Lord had helped me fight against sin like the fear of man. I was certain the Lord wanted me to pursue ministry after college. My mind was set on joining staff with Campus Crusade for Christ.
I graduated Appalachian State University in December of 1998. Joanna and I were married in May 1999. We pursued joining staff, but faced roadblocks. We trusted God to bring us into ministry at the proper time. With that mindset we set about establishing ourselves as a couple, and beginning our new life together. We bought a small 3 bedroom house. We were happy, and busy enjoying life. In 2001 we were presented with an opportunity to travel to Burma with Joanna’s father. Just as John Russell sharing the gospel with me had done in college, this trip changed the course of my life. I was only able to stay one week overseas but I quickly realized after arriving back in America that my life was making little difference for God in a world so filled with hurting, suffering, and poverty. Joanna and I gained a renewed passion for ministry and started to look for a way to be involved in advancing the gospel of Jesus Christ.
By July of that same year we had sold our house, resigned from our jobs, and secured employment with an organization who sends Christian school teacher to Asia to minister spiritually, while at the same time teaching ESL (English as a second language). For the next four years we spent most of our time in China ministering and teaching. Our daughter Savannah was born in 2004 and lived with us in China for the next year and a half. It was around this time that I began to minister to a young Chinese man named Jim.
Jim was a difficult person from the moment I met him. He acted out of character for a Chinese college student. Jim’s personality irritated his classmates, and to be honest me. He was reserved with them and found it difficult to develop friendships. Perhaps because of his inability to relate well with his classmates Jim started to take an unhealthy interest in one of the foreign teachers on my team. He decided that he had fallen in love with my teammate. Of course the feelings were not returned, and although Jim was crushed he vowed never to give up his love. I had to confront Jim on the inappropriateness of the situation. During that confrontation, Jim rebuffed my rebuke. In a firm and direct manner I told Jim that as his teacher and her team leader I had the right to restrict his access to my team member. This confrontation built a level of trust between Jim and me. Over the course of the next few months Jim shared with me a secret that changed our relationship from student and teacher to friend and brother.
For some time Jim had been struggling with depression and contemplating the idea of suicide. He also was hearing voices. I was the only person he had trusted with this information. He refused to tell his father or any Chinese professors for fear of disappointing them and being forced to leave school. God had placed me in a difficult position. Nothing challenged my faith more during that time in China. I felt inadequate to handle the situation. This was not my area of expertise. I had no psychological training to deal with this situation. I turned to prayer and Godly advice. One thing became certain to me, I may not know how to deal with Jim on a psychological level, but I could deal with him on a theological level. I gave Jim what I had. I offered him a relationship with Jesus. Jim accepted Christ as his savior. Eventually through some time with me in discipleship and through relationships built with other Chinese believers in a Bible study Jim made progress, amazing progress. Jim is the main reason I decided to seek training as a biblical counselor. As I think about what a theory of counseling should entail I remember that time. The sanctifying work of Jesus Christ on the cross took away the fear of not knowing how to handle Jim’s depression, and for Jim it proved that Jesus is the solution in our darkest hours.
My family moved back to the states in 2006 so I could pursue my MA in Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. We are now at the end of that journey. Our son Matthias was born in January 2009, and I officially graduate in December. As I think about what is next for us I realize what is more important are the convictions we have embraced during this journey. Our convictions will shape how we attempt to serve Jesus with our lives. Looking back one truth I have come to embrace over this journey is that a man may plan his steps, but the Lord directs his path.
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